{torn between this life I lead and where I stand} (ex_proverb) wrote in exhaust,
{torn between this life I lead and where I stand}
ex_proverb
exhaust

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Okay, I work on Saturdays. I do customer service for General Motors. When people have complaints about their cars (usually, their new, expensive cars which they stupidly persist in calling "investments"), when something breaks and they whine about not wanting to pay for it, they call me. As you can imagine, it carries it's share of stresses. I do this for nearly ten hours a day. So when I get off work, I want to go home, want to be at home away from stupid people. But the problem is Saturday afternoon traffic just meanders along at its own retarded slow pace. ARGH. Am still upset over it.

You know those intersections where you can turn a certain direction without having to stop, because the other streets have to stop. Of course I get stuck behind some stupid old man in an Altima who stops. Normally, I'm not much of a horn honker, because it's demeaning, but I was already angry, so I lay on it. We both turn left and since I know not to stop I'm right on his bumper. We're right at the only stretch of that twist back road that is decent to permit passing, so I immediately whip into the left lane, to buzz past. But apparently, the guy has taken offense to my chastising him for unnecesarily stopping (can't imagine why), and he decides not to let me pass him. I get up to about 65 when I notice that he's sped up to disallow my pass. This pisses me off, of course, because not only is it a direct slap-in-the-face insult, but it's also a juevenile, dangeous prank to leave me hanging out there. But unfortunately, my speed governor kicks in, and he sails past and leaves me snarling obscenities at his bumper--mostly, due to wounded pride, I admit. Anyhow, an eighth of a mile later he turns into the marina, and I'm left without any opening to vent my pique. Which was probably for the best.

Okay. That was my confessional. Maybe I can let it go now.

Grr, ALTIMAAAAAAA! ::shakes fist at the heavens:: I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.



Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink
Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink.
Someday, you'll turn left.

Lumbering monster.
Imports scatter before me.
Fear my Escalade!

I'm in a hurry.
You are driving too slowly.
I must gesture now.

It's always the same:
"Next exit 84 miles"
When I have to pee.

Emits pollution
And spews poison gases. Car?
No, it's John Rocker.

Rearview mirror shows
Highway patrol behind me.
How many did I have?

Woke up in ER.
I was driving and reading,
Then I heard a crash.

Oooh, there's a Starbucks!
Let's pull over and buy some
Four-dollar coffee.

H2 SUV.
Traffic jam, gas tank on E.
U R SOL.

Run, pedestrian!
I can't stop! Jump that curb!... Damn.
Bumpers are *not* cheap.

An exact-change lane,
And you’ve only brought Visa?
Please, never leave home.

Wheels are like mountains
In your giant monster truck.
Your schlong? Still compact.

Ponytailed boomer
Doing thirty while singing
"Life in the Fast Lane."

Get off that cell phone!
Safety dictates only *one*
Driver's side air bag.

Use the crosswalk, fool!
I might not react in time!
Well, those are the brakes.

Self-important prick!
Signal turns or you may find
Baby on *dash* board.

Car slides over bridge!
Glad my underwear is clean.
Oops! I spoke too soon.

Cut *me* off, you scum?
Pass you on the right! I win!!
Morning, officer.

Something just happened
Between me and the leather.
Please crack a window.

My toll booth hottie
Can't hear my smooth pickup lines
Over the car horns.



The Top 14 Signs Your SUV Is Too Damn Big

14. Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."
13. Before go you out, you have to file for a parade permit.
12. You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Savior S-Class.
11. It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into its orbit.
10. There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back seat.
9. It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.
8. It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.
7. You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat.
6. Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.
5. Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.
4. When you pull up to the pharmacy window, they've already got the package of extra small condoms bagged and ready to go.
3. You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately.
2. Due to new military intel that has narrowed the search down to the inside of your vehicle, President Bush remains confident that Osama Bin Laden will someday be found.

and the Number 1 Sign Your SUV Is Too Damn Big...

1. The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.
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